How to manipulate your way into any man’s apartment.

by Sharon Simon

After reading many books in the women’s section of book stores, I became aware that every woman’s goal in life is to be living with a man at all times. So, I’ve written this blog for all my sister’s out there to make sure we are never alone with our thoughts, ideas, or pints of ice cream.

I get attached to a man right away. You sleep with me, I’m moving in.

A new relationship starts as the old one ends. You’ve been trying to make this relationship work since it started last summer. He yelled out his sister’s name in bed, but you wanna hold on. At least until you’re sure it’s done. Next time you’re living with someone who wants to end it, listen calmly to what they have to say. Then smile, nod, and cry. Followed by pleading, begging, and screaming. You don’t want to be alone, feeling like you didn’t do everything in your power to have someone with you. Beg, plead, cry, threaten. Make sure he knows you will do anything just to keep him. Refuse to leave his home. Lay around on his bed, crying and trying to suck his dick. This should work. But if he calls the mental health police, you gotta go.

If you get your own place, you run the risk of being self sufficient--which could lead to you not needing a man, and being alone. So, move in with your parents. It doesn’t matter if you’re in your mid forties. As long as your parents are still alive, you can get them to make you dinner. And if they’re not, hopefully you’ve inherited their house.

At first, living with your parents can be fun. If your folks are anything like mine, they still think you’re a child, and will read you stories, make you grilled cheese sandwiches, and take you shopping. This is the perfect place for you to lick your wounds and gain weight. But when you lose interest in making cookies with your mom on Saturday night, you have to make a change. Your parents will make things uncomfortable when you start dating again—especially when they’re hoping you’ll put on another Friday night living room talent show. They may even leave messages on your new date’s home phone, just to let you know that cousin Matty’s bris is in two weeks.

It’s time to gather a few hundred dollars, and move onto your friend’s sofa. Now that your friend’s neighbor’s know you’re single and desperate, you won’t have to go on dating sights, or even leave your friend’s apartment. Drunk boys will show up every night around 2am. This may annoy your friend but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Now she’ll put the extra effort into setting you up with a “good” or “nice” guy--usually someone ugly. But every good old boy has a sexy, emotionally damaged friend. You’ve found your target!

Most of the books I read made a big deal out of not kissing on the first date. But since you never actually had a date, and only met him as a drunken hookup on your friends sofa, you can’t worry about that. So instead you have to focus on something else. Might be a good idea to get really drunk and reveal your inner world to him. Do not hold back. Start with the seven abortions and end with how you think he’s the best thing that ever happened to you. Then get on your knees and blow. When he says “I’m cumming,” you say “I’m going.” He’ll be totally confused. I promise you--he will tell all his friends, and won’t stop thinking about you.

Your courtship will be a drunken whirlwind for about a month--at which time you’re no longer welcome to sleep on your friend’s sofa. Don’t tell him you’re being thrown out because you’re messy, loud, and cry all the time. Tell him “it’s because she doesn’t think you should give him blowjobs anymore.” After talking about this for a week, switch the subject and tell him you found a great place. And even though it’s 2 trains and a bus ride away, it’s totally worth moving there. You both know that the relationship’s over, so you both cry and try to make sweet love. But you find that you can’t have sex cause your way to sad. He asks what he can do to make you happy. And with tears in your eyes, you say “find a way that we can be together. “ Then go to suck his dick but can’t go through with it, because you’re still too sad. Tell him “please make it so we can be together.”

Any emotionally unstable, sex starved man in his right mind will ask you to move in or at least offer to stay with him until you find something else. And by that time, you’ll have already run the course of the relationship.

This technique is guaranteed to work. If you have any trouble with it, feel free to E-mail me.

Please note I do not have a sofa to sleep on as I am currently living with my parents.